There’s two kinds of dog.  One hates the mail.  The other is not the subject of this story.

Yes, even in Amarillo you’ll find that old mail delivery cliché’.  The one of a guarding pooch who’s seen a few too many IKEA catalogs, auto warranty expiration notices, and coupons to the neighborhood’s sad and dirty fast food restaurant, the poor animal develops a deep hatred of the mail.  And while so many of you rush to the dog’s defense and say it is their right to hate the mail if they wish, it does come at a human cost.

Unfortunately, at the crossroads of animal rights and government appointed jobs, it’s the mail delivery worker who bears the most burden (said burden being the irrationally flailing and snapping jaws of an unbalanced canine).

The U.S. Postal Service, in an effort to show they do more than move the mail, recently delivered some startling statistics regarding mail delivery and the grassroots Dog War against Mail Delivery.  In Amarillo in 2016, a tough year that featured a triple run of Publisher’s Clearinghouse mailers, certainly encouraged and invited the 5 attacks on postal delivery workers that resulted in a resident mongrel successfully scoring a bite.  Remember, it’s not Lubbock or Oklahoma we’re talking about, that’s right here on the High Plains, Potter and Randall County.  In 2017 there was a sharp jump up to 11 successful bites here in Amarillo.  Most TV talking heads theorize the incessant offers to accept uncountable credit cards to be the breaking point, pushing even the meekest of lapdogs and lethargic beagles over the edge and to war (although one prominent Amarillo dog psychologists disagrees, blaming all the pooch hostility on political mail featuring President Trump).

It’s not known how many near-miss bite attempts there were in those two years, due primarily to most victims being too ashamed to report the attack or worse, fearing retaliation from fellow Postal Service employees for reporting being caught in the crossfire of the Dog War against Mail Delivery. Or didn’t you realize the Postal Service employs legions of drug and bomb sniffer dogs?  Whose side should we expect them to be on in the Dog War against Mail Delivery?

The local Postmaster Major, the highest ranking postal employee on the Golden Spread, asks your help in ending the Dog War against Mail Delivery. She says it might help if you purchase clothing similar to the official postal uniform and wear it often around your dog to make it more comfortable around real postal employees.  Plus, stop giving your pet all your junk mail or if you do, at least toss in the card from grandma or the statement for your monthly government check.  This shows the distressed animal that not all mail is bad.  Consider taking them off mail entirely, no matter how much they beg. Mail really isn’t meant for dogs after all, as they can’t properly digest it.

And finally, the Major says the ultimate end to the war may lie in the Berlin solution, with each home owner putting a wall between their dog and their mailbox.  Then perhaps the Dog War against Mail Delivery will turn from hot to cold and we can find a way to negotiate our way out of this insanity.