The Erwin Pawn Trade-A-Thon, How Hot Is It?
I won't pretend to be the purveyor of some great epiphany when I assert that it is hot, I just need you to ask how hot it is.
It's the greatest iteration of want ads on the radio across the country. There are a lot of buy, sell, and trade shows on the radio. There's one here in Amarillo, it's called The Erwin Pawn Trade-A-Thon, and it's all yours.
We do it every Saturday morning from 9- Noon. We open up the phone lines and invite you to exploit the overpowered transmission emanating from the tower array on Whitaker Road for your own capitalistic purposes. If it isn't obvious, let me assure you, ain't no party like a Trade-A-Thon party because a Trade-A-Thon party don't stop, y'all.
THE BIG QUESTION
We ask all our callers a poll question before they list their items. Usually a this or that question, occasionally topical, and intentionally humorous it provides a running stream of thought during the program.
With the oppressive heat we've been enduring I wanted to ask a question regarding the elevated temperatures. It reminded me of a classic comedy bit where the host would make an assertion with the audience asking back for more detail. It goes something like this:
Host: It's so hot...
Audience: How hot is it?
Host: A fire hydrant has been seen chasing a dog.
The Big Question this week was asked a little bit differently. I would ask "how hot is it" and hopefully our caller would have a zinger for us. I gathered a list of punchlines to have at the ready in case they needed help. Most needed help. Here's the list of all the ones I primarily fleeced from the internet with a few originals I wrote.
How hot is it?
…I saw a fire hydrant chasing down a dog!
I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself!
I’m sweating like Hillary Clinton on election day!
the bread has turned toast!
cows are producing evaporated milk!
you can make INSTANT sun tea all day.
you haven't started your car yet but the radiator is already boiling.
condensation forms on your gluteus maximus when you are seated in the water closet.
Lance Armstrong has tested positive for water!
Reese’s peanut butter cups are turning into shooters!
Its hotter than your ex-wives’ tongues.
everyone is wearing “”sweat” pants.
clothes come out of the dryer folded and pressed.
white collar Randall County workers are turning red neck.
Congress installed a fan in the debt ceiling
global warming is being called the good old days
catfish are hooked already fried
I saw a dog walking, chasing a cat
you could breed horned frogs
trees are fighting each other for dogs
augmented chest ornaments are liquefying
birds are bursting into flames in mid-air and nuns are cursing openly on the streets.
fat guys are making their own gravy!
the Statue of Liberty has been asked to lower her right arm.
grandparents are breaking wind to generate a breeze.
fire ants are stopping, dropping, and rolling.
the devil has left the high plains and returned home .
a funeral procession was just seen driving through Dairy Queen.
farmers are feeding chickens crushed ice to prevent them laying hard boiled eggs.
Siri keeps asking to be dropped in the what-her.
the weather is 101 and hazy, much like Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg.
the Amarillo Thunderheads are hiring Ted Williams as hitting coach
We will do the Big Question this way again, it was a lot of fun.
At the beginning of the show and again beginning the second and third hours I always bring you the five official rules of the program. Nothing too difficult to adhere and it gives us an opportunity to discuss Erwin Pawn. It also allows me to bring you a special rule.
It's called Rule #6 and it changes every week. It's a obvious attempt at humor made more difficult by proclaiming I'm about to try and say something funny. Maybe not knee slapping gufawing but grin inducing at least. Rule #6 is often inspired by something that happened to me over the last week. This time I went wayback, to July 4th.
The City of Amarillo does a fairly excellent job of hiring the right people to blow stuff up high above The Wood and the display this year was no exception. I do have one small complaint however. I've been in Amarillo nearly 10 years. I've noticed the fireworks the city commissions often include air bursts of red with green accents or green with red accents. This does not make me want to cry freedom. It makes me want to go bargain hunting because it makes me feel like Christmas.
Rule #6: Red and green fireworks don't look like freedom, they look like Christmas.
Show producer Porky is one of the young guns of radio and provides Trade-A-Thon with news and comment during hour breaks.
We hope to hear from you this Saturday morning for another edition of The Erwin Pawn Trade-A-Thon on KIXZ!